Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas sung by Judy Garland.
So, of course I had to take a look. Strikes the right, if somewhat unwelcome, chord of melancholy this morning.
Feeling just a touch sorry for myself because I missed Christmas Eve with my daughter and her new family due to feeling unwell. The main symptom, aside from fatigue: chest pains.
I've been in denial for about 4 days and, so far, I'm not dead.
I keep thinking, “I will be better tomorrow," and then I wake up tomorrow with that same fist in my chest. I went so far as to print out a map to my preferred urgent care facility, thinking that if I were still having discomfort today, I would chuck myself in the car and drive there. Turns out, they're closed on Christmas, which makes no kind of sense. If I'm having a heart attack, it's going to have to wait until tomorrow.
I must not be too sick, If I can be picky about which hospital, right?
Considering Other Matters Of The Heart
I've got someone in my life with a broken one, figuratively speaking, of course. He just lost his love, which he had denied for a number of years, who finally gave up. Followed swiftly by the loss of his mom.
Having lived through the loss of a mother (and the loss of a love), I know how difficult that is. It's doubly difficult when you have no significant person in your life to walk through it with you. Instead, you are faced with a severely dysfunctional set of siblings who are taking out their grief on each other.
I feel for him this morning, and that's good. At least one aspect of my heart is still functioning properly. The urge is there to run in and attempt a rescue of this long-time friend. I know how painful this is, after all. I also know that this could be the worst thing for both of us. I can not help him and, Lord knows, I have tried. I seem to finally be accepting that there is truth to the adage that “what does not kill us makes us strong”.
Neither would it help me to hop on my white horse and rush in with an armful of comfort. I've learned from painful experience that enmeshing myself in this friend's life only causes a downward spiral for yours truly.
My own energy | life-force | chi ... my Spirit, if you will, requires careful tending. On an energetic level, I simply cannot afford it. My care and compassion will have to be long-distance, with myself at the top of the list.
So, in considering my heart and another song for this “merry little Christmas”, the first that popped into my head ...
Gonna Harden My Heart by Quarterflash.
Wherever you are, and whatever you do today, may this be a good day. May it be filled with love and compassion, even if it comes from 5° south or north of your particular latitude.
And may you understand the gift of separation and aching hearts. At least you know that you're still alive.
I wish you well and I wish me well, too.
Sweet Wet Apples
© Lora R Fisher, 2010